Manipulating women has been second nature to me for as long as I can remember. Hell, manipulating in general with anyone and everyone, actually (I never discriminated.) Now of course, there are the obvious factors, like growing up around a lot of older “cousins” and male role models that lived by a code of machismo. I remember one experience in which a “cousin” was giving a ride to school in the 7th grade and he told me about a line to use on a girl if I ever needed and that was, “Hey girl, do you got some Mexican in you? No? Do you want some?” (Give me a break! I never used that one) or music like Too Short that told me at a very young age that “bitches ain’t shit”, because in the end it’s all about the paper. M.O.B., right? Women were just “hoes” to be used and traded in for a new and better version when one came along. Sure, I guess that all could be a part of it but a very small part because it has to go much deeper than music or movies. Besides, all of those things are just excuses to try and justify deplorable actions.
I always struggled with this form of thinking because it’s not something I feel in the heart of hearts. But the braggadocios lifestyle of a male adolescent is a hard one to resist and one boys fall into easily or be judged a “pussy” by our peers.
I became very adept at spotting the “weak link” in a group of women; the most vulnerable and susceptible to manipulation. Those with self-esteem issues or ones that had been through some negative experience and just needed someone to build them up. Who doesn’t want to be told they’re beautiful, unique and unmatched in spirit? Some would be hesitant at first, not quite believing the things I’d say but people in general want to believe in the “love story” and it’s only a matter of time before they immerse themselves into the warm pool of euphoric emotions.
But it’s all a house of cards, flimsy and ready to collapse at any time. I’ll been doing it for so long. I no longer realized it anymore and it wasn’t’ until recently that I began to see a clear pattern emerge, thanks to the time I’ve had to reflect. Not only in my relationships with women but also my relationships with family, friends, teachers, employers, and people that wanted desperately to believe in me. They saw something in me, something special and instead of accepting this responsibility, I used it to my advantage in order to coast through life.
That’s what bring me here today. This is not an easy task and facing what I’ve done has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I know it will only get harder. I’m done taking the easy road. My recent experience with Victims Services has opened my eyes even more and I understand this work is unending. It is something I will spend the rest of my life doing.