There is so much I want to say, I just don’t know where to start or how to say it. I find that for the first time in my life, I am at a loss for words because any thing I may think to put down on this paper or speak out loud, I feel empty and fruitless. I know I messed up but how do I even begin to mend the wounds that can’t be seen? The impact of my actions cannot be quantified with words on paper or some hollow acts of contrition, because there are some things in this life there is no coming back from.
I hurt a woman I claimed to love in the worst way by taking away her power as a female and setting a course for her life that she had no choice in. Now her life will be ruled by fear and distrust. How do you even come back from something like this? My family will live with the shame of someone else’s actions (mine.) Paying for it in untold ways emotionally and spiritually not to mention the judgement society will place on their heads due to my absence. I don’t get to see the accusing eye because of my incarceration, so I don’t feel that weight hey must all carry. My son and his mother will carry some of the heaviest burdens of anyone in my life, no escape for the boy who goes through life with his father’s face.
How far does all of this go? Who else will be affected by my actions? Is this another mark on the Latino community using me to judge a much larger group of Latino males? What does this all do to the fabric that is humanity, how will my actions affect generations to come, not only in her family but mine as well? We are all living in our own microcosm but part of a much larger puzzle. There is no answer because actions like thee cannot be quantified or solved by some equation.
I ask myself these questions every single day, knowing very well that I’ll get nowhere in my pursuit for answers but unable to stop myself from trying. I’m catalyst, I always have been and there’s no telling how many lives I’ve altered because of this. I didn’t throw a pebble in the pond of our live but a colossal boulder, causing a tsunami instead of ripples that will continue into the foreseeable future.
I am truly sorry to all those that have come into my orbit and had to endure my selfishness. If some further penance could assuage your pain, I would agree to it in an instant and without regret. I just want all of you to be happy and not have to live with the pain that I’ve left for you. I hope that you can forgive me someday and not for me, but for the sorrow that must weigh on your hearts. I am truly sorry.