I knew the day would come

My son is starting to ask questions. Questions like “why does daddy have to work so much?” For now, his mother is telling him it’s so she won’t have to work as much and so she can spend more time with him. But how long will that excuse hold up? IN my visit with him last week, he pointed to one of the guards and asked, “Is that the boss?”
I’ve been dreading this day, a day I knew would come eventually a day that will change everything in our relationship. I’m not afraid of telling him that daddy did something wrong, I’m afraid of what will come later when he begins to resent the fact that I’m not around like other dads. Like when he starts having functions at school, plays sports, has birthday parties, and I’m not there to support him. Or the day he has to explain to a friend why I’m not around.
I’ve missed out on all of my son’s firsts, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. There is no one to blame but me, I know this, yet it doesn’t make it any easier. My biggest fears are not things like death, because I have come to terms with the inevitable. My fear is that one day my son will resent me and I’ll deserve it.
For now, I’ll try and hold him close every chance I get, kiss the top of his head and tell him how much I love him. Who knows how many more times he’ll run into my arms. I’m so sorry little man. No matter what you think of me some day, or how you feel inside, just remember I love you and everything I do is for you.


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