My relationship with women

I am not sure where I went wrong in my relationships with women. Growing up, I had some remarkable relationships with different girls and apart from my cousins, they were some of the best-friends I’ve ever had. One girl in particular never gave up on me and would always be there to help pick me up, no matter how much trouble I got in. And no matter how much time had gone by, we could always pick up right where we left off. If there are soul mates, she was definitely one of them.
So why the dual personality? Why the conflicting thought patterns? I struggle with this issue every day. You see, on the one hand, I like nothing more than spending time with a friend, listening to her talk about her dreams, desire fears, memories, and trying to offer comfort in any way I can. Throughout my life, I would spend countless hours on the phone and in person, doing this very thing. Then there’s the other side, which is looking to take advantage, play the field, and have as much sex as possible.
Being who I am and after the things I’ve done, there are those that probably think I wake up in the morning thinking bad things. I’m sure there are those of you who think that sex consumes me, my fantasies are deviant, and my very nature must be dark. Do I think about sex? Of course I don’t. But let me tell you something about what my day dreams are made of. I want that great love story. I want to fall in love with a woman I can give my life to and entrust all of me. I get that this dream may not be in the cards for me anymore, God knows I’ve done nothing to earn such love, but I still dream. But If I’m speaking honestly, I don’t know if I changed completely. What if I was still on the streets? It’s easy to say you’ve changed when you no longer have access to your addiction. Could I be faithful? I can’t answer that.
I am sorry. I am sorry to all those women that have passed through my life and have been hurt by me in one way or another. I’m trying to figure out what went wrong. The only thing that I can tell you is that it’s not your fault in any way. It was all me, everything. I should’ve cherished those moments and earned the trust which was given to me so freely and without question.
I know right now these thoughts I put down have little direction but I do it because more men need to. Not that I’m comparing most men to me because most men haven’t done the terrible things I’ve done. Yet, for there to be some sort of momentous shift in our cultures views, more men need to be on board. Whether talking about it, getting involved in a movement, prevention and awareness, or the education of our youth on these issues. If this recent election has shown anything, it’s that there is still a tremendous amount of work to be done. And that is not even mentioning the epidemic of sexual assault on campuses or ho congress feels it’s their right to be the arbitrators over women’s bodies and their decisions. We need to remember that women’s rights are human rights.
My sister has a precious little girl of her own and when I see her face I see my sister when she was a baby. I’ve never hold my niece, yet my for her is s overpowering it actually brings tears to my eyes. I want to leave this world a better place than the one I left behind so she can grow up and never question her worth compare to that of a man. A world free of fear, one in which she knows she is loved and anything she can dream up is possible. I know it’s an uphill battle but if we don’t try, it can never get better. I gladly devote my life to this path.


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