life

Gratitude

“Gratitude is the resource for cherishing our blessings. In conducting ourselves, we must have the virtue of gratitude. People who are grateful cherish what they have, enabling them to go on and repay others in return. As the saying goes, “Repay the generosity of a drop of water with a gushing spring.” Gratitude is the wealth of life and the lives of those who are grateful are the richest.”

I am forever grateful for all the things my loved ones do for me. I hope to repay you all with an ocean. I know I’ve said this before but I could never say it enough. I just want you to know how much this all means to me. Even after everything I’ve put you through you still believe in me.

Thank-you little brother, I definitely wouldn’t have this blog up if it weren’t for you. I know it’s not easy having a brother like me, especially one who demands so much and even after everything I’ve thrown away. Arrogant prick! As an older brother it should of been me taking care of you and not the way around. I’m sorry for that little brother.

The patience you’ve all shown me is amazing, I couldn’t have asked for more in a family. A mother who’s never given up, a father who’s antics always make me laugh, a sister whom I adore and has the ability to be a beast once she set’s her mind to it, a brother who’s loyalty inspires, a son that reminds me everyday of all the good things in this life and a woman that will forever have my undying commitment.

I’m working hard to be worthy of all of you and one day I hope to repay you in kind.

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Prison Life

Time

Time is an unforgiving foe for those with lengthy sentences. Relentless, callous, indiscriminate.

It’s subtle. So subtle, you don’t see or feel the effects right away. A silent torture, unfelt and unseen but for the reflection that grows colder and older with each passing year.

The tick, tick, tick of minutes, days, years; like the hand on an old grandfather clock, counting down an inescapable truth… There is no going back, for time marches on.

Yet we must fight. We must live. We cannot let this time wither our spirits. We cannot stop time but we can take the time to stop and cherish the moments, however few thereĀ  may be.

Time conquers all, I know this, because flesh cannot stand the test. However, in this moment I’m alive and my worlds will live on long after I’m gone. You can take my life father but you’ll never capture my spirit. You can stay my hand but you’ll never capture my words. They are in the either and they will reverberate throughout you.

I win

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Life Lessons

Marvin Gaye

As I was writing today, a song by Marvin Gaye, “Got To Give It Up”, started playing. First, my foot began to tap as the music started taking over my body. I started keeping beat with my head until I had no choice but to do the two step.

Sometimes we just need to let go and embrace the moment. I got so tired of the suffocating banality of my purgatory and the need to conform. F-it, I’ma dance.

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Writing

Live My Truth

“But you can’t get any of these truths by sitting in a field smiling, beautifully, avoiding your anger and danger and grief are the way to the truth. We don’t have much truth to express unless we have gone into those rooms and closets and woods and abysses that we are not told to go into. When we have gone in and looked around for a while, just breathing and finally taking it in – then we will be able to speak in our own voice and to stay in the present moment. And moment is home.” – Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird)

I know there are still some people that don’t understand why I’m doing this but it’s because I have to. I don’t want to walk those same old paths anymore. I want to take off the mask, confront my problems and understand better. I want to live my truth with the time I have left. It hasn’t been easy but I feel like I can breath again.

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life

I Threw Up

I threw up the other day. For the first time my life, I was almost able to feel the emotional agony a woman goes through after she’s assaulted. I know I only felt one-millionth of her pain but it was enough to make me sick. It felt like a battery acid burning my throat.

I believed I was confronting all my mistakes but there is so much more to it than admission. I know I could never experience the complex set of emotions women face when they’ve been raped but the little I did left me feeling sick and weak. I want to delve further into this, only I don’t know how. How could I ever understand? Where do I start.

I wrote this years ago and it’s one of the reasons I wrote this blog. I thought it might help to better illustrate my mindset and my motivation for starting the blog.

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Life Lessons

Things My Parents Taught Me

It’s more important to understand others and where they’re coming from and less in having people understand you. Things will flow more naturally when you can understand what’s important to another person and over time your relationships will grow more positive and beneficial.

I spent my life trying to convince others, trying to understand them. We can be so consumed with being right that it clouds our vision and we lose sight of what’s important. Everyone deserves to be heard and respected.

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