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Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down

“Yo, turn me up in the headphones.” Everyday I feel a little piece of the real me coming back. Every morning I wake up, meditate, go over goals, and plan my day. Right before I get to work, I pick a song to get me pumped and lately I’ve been going with old school hip-hop. This morning I went with “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” by Puff and Mase. “I’m through with being a playa and a baller, just want me one bad chick so I can spoil her.” This put put me in a very determined state of mind, taking me back to a time when I was fearless and I knew anything I set my mind to was possible. I’m telling you, I was that kid again.

My cousin and I grew yup like brothers, inseparable, every minute we could, together, making big plans to do big things. Nothing and no one was going to hold us down. The confidence was intoxicating but it’s the free spirit I’m looking to recapture.

Remember that cuz? We’d put on that music, Puff and Mase or some Zpac and Snoop, I’d rap the zpac you’d rap The Snoop. Remember how we used to laugh at the dances Puff did in the background like the Washing Machine and then one of us would do the samp, LMFAO! I almost did it this morning. Or how about rappin that Hispanic cousing panic, Kid Frost, Chicano Pride, get out my way type sh_. That was us man, Puff and Biggie from the Hyprotize video, driving the car in reverse. We were supposed to have the summer of George! and I messed that up.

But I’m not here to rehash regrets, I’m here to embrace the rebirth of that spirit. I’m feelin it, a resurgence. We may be a little older but I’m ready to embrace that essence again. I feel it, it’s time to live it and be the “me” again. So what’s up brother? How about we do Z of Americas Most Wanted, I’ll take the Pac verse.

 

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Giving In Action

“… Cayce suggested that true love was ultimately best expressed as ‘giving in action’ where one was not concerned with what was received in return. Where as desired is a feeling or a condition in which an individual wants to draw someone or something to them-self, true love is an expression of an emotion, energy, or activity that goes out to others without thought of what self receives in return. Ultimately, the purpose of all relationships is spiritual development. For that reason, individuals wishing to discern between a karmic relationship or a purposeful present-day union might ask themselves, ‘does this relationship make me a better person? Does it challenge and stretch me? Does it encourage me to become a more balanced, giving person? Does this relationship bring out the very best within me?’ “

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The Family Table

Quite simple, my family is beautiful. Sometimes I find it difficult to write about the people I care about because any words I may think up always seem insufficient in expressing the depth of love I feel for them. Every post, from this Monday’s on back, didn’t always come easy for me because there was always more I wanted to say only I didn’t know how to say it. When I feel this way I stop, take a breath, quiet my mind and once my thoughts steady, I begin to put pen to paper. I actually waited a few days to write this so I could better savor the experience by letting my mind soak in the memories. Originally I planned on writing about the luncheon but instead I’m going to write about something important I came away with. That day will be a memory for my family and loved ones.

There is something special in sharing food with the people you love and it’s not about what you’re eating but the experience of sitting around the table, enjoying each other’s company. For me it was the ruckus of the kitchen as the meal was being prepared, people talking, laughing, as I would sneak off with a pre-meal warm-up, a tasty morsel to keep me over until the main course.  Or those lazy summer days hanging out at the house, watching Everybody Loves Raymond with the family while dad grilled up some steak that we would cut into strips to put into tortillas. There are so many memories, it would take an encyclopedia to put them down. I tell you one thing that really sticks with me though, was when my mom would cook for us. I can still see her hands working the masa to make sopes, flatting the little balls of maize into small makeshift bowls to put the meat in, while she had me grate the cheese.  I hold those memories near for whenever I need to smile.

I don’t get sad when I recall those memories, instead I use the nostalgia to inspire me and it makes me excited for the times to come. I know the woman I marry will be a kindred spirit in this and I expect meals will be a big thing in our home. Not that every meal has to be some big production, it’s about being together, showing gratitude when we cook for one another, standing around the kitchen island with the family, cooking, talking, laughing, and having the kids stop by on the weekends once they start to have kids of their own. That’s what it’s about.

To my loved ones, I just want to say thank-you for the memories. They remind me of all the good in the world and what I have to look forward to when I get home. I may not be there now but keep me in your thoughts and a part of me will always be there with you.

Before I go I just want to say some thing to my parents. Thank-you for everything. You’ve given so much in this life and now you’re doing the same for my son so he can grow up with the same cherished memories. I know I didn’t do a very good job of recognizing those moments for the gifts they were but I can live the rest of this life in honor of you and all the things you’ve thought me. And continuously re-committing myself to the important things in life. Family, Love, Laughter.

I’ll be home eventually, so keep a chair for me and a hot plate ready because you know your boy is always hungry! I am thinking we should start of with some sopes and enchiladas, then go from there. I love you.

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Why Not?

Why do we hold back? As adults, we tamper down our laughter, hold back when we should be silly, and keep our mouth shut should express how we feel. God knows this world needs more love and positivism.

If you are happy, be happy, don’t hold back. If you feel like singing, then sing away. If love has you, embrace it! or if like my two-in-a-half year old niece, you want to howl at the moon like a little wolf puppy, then you howl girl! You know what your uncle is going to howl with you! oww, oww, owwoooo! Let’s Go!

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Unexpected Blessing

There is still magic in this world. I’m not talking about the kind you see in Harry Potter or find in world of Warcraft. I’m talking about the magic ghat takes place when you live your life through the eyes of love. Not just the greeting card love but by being sincere in your words and actions and living your life in a state of gratitude. I’ve done my best to live there and the universe has begun to reciprocate by granting me another remarkable opportunity. It’s something I’ve asked for in the past but if I’m being honest, it was a blessing I never thought I’d get. Then one day it happened, a butterfly landed on my shoulder.

She appeared seemingly out of nowhere, after a lifetime apart; unexpected but a very welcome surprise. Our connection was swift, a bond neither of us expected but one I embraced immediately because it’s in these very moments you find the magic.  You can’t let these connections dissipate into the winds of everyday routine, you must seize the moment because you may never get it again. So I have.

I laugh to myself as I’m writing this because I know my enthusiasm must have been a surprise to her. This sort of intensity can be a little much for a person who’s not used to it. Even I’m not used to it and I can catch myself by surprise. (See next post: why not?)

I’m so grateful she’s back in my life. I’ve learned to much this past month, as if a whole new world has opened up to me and I’m seeing things I never knew were there before. She’s grown into such an amazing woman and even after going through some very serious struggles, she’s still kicking butt. I’m so proud of her. There’s much more I’d like to say but she knows my heart.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I stay away from delving to far into other people’s lives unless I have their permission. I try to keep the posts mostly about myself or the things I’ve learned and not because I’m some ego driven fool but because I feel it’s better this way.  Though if someone ever wished to post something themselves, I’d be more than willing.

I will say that there is an unbelievable joy when you feel safe in sharing your story with someone. It’s a rare thing to find in this world and one we must always do our best to nurture. Before, I couldn’t have these sorts of relationships because I was lost in my own pain. No longer my condition, I see life as full of grace: Joy waiting to bloom from every story we share, every smile we give, every laugh we inspire and those good mornings we leave for those we care about.

We all have a choice to make. Right now, today. Believe it or not, it’s on you, you’re the one in control. You can live your life through eyes of sorrow or ones of joy. We don’t have to surrender to every tragedy or feel like a life of sorrow is our fate. Beauty is found in more than a smile, a flower or a poem, let your actions be the poetry you write in this book of life.

Well butterfly, I don’t know how this story ends but I do know it’s gonna be one hell of a ride. I’m so grateful you’re back in my life. For the rest of you, just remember that there is still magic in this world, so put some positive energy out there, say it out loud, you may be surprised what you get back.

 

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Promises to Keep

It has been years since I seen the streets, I’m trippin, these last few days I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing I feel blessed, like God herself said I passed the test, and I earned another chance to give back and do my best .

It wasn’t always easy, believe me, to get where I am, locked up yeah, but I have become a completely different man.

I know there are people wonderin and askin why are you doin this Martinez? ssh- my debts immense that a thousand life times couldn’t redress.

From where I sit, most people just kick back and accept their fate, hide in their shame and lose themselves in t.v., weights and card games, but can’t do that, while I’m breathin, I’m fightin like those Merman Greeks!

I got promises to keep and a lot of miles to walk before I sleep, I know it won’t be easy and this path will be full of tribulations, but I made my bed, so it’s time to man up and accept my situation. To my family, I love you, I work to be worthy of that devotion.

If your love was a raindrop, I hope one day to repay you with an ocean, and to my baby boy, just know your pops is putin in work,

I love you little man and I hope one day to prove my worth, no matter how much we change, we still have to pay for the seeds we sow, so I got a long road and time yet before I earn my way home.

I write songs on my keyboard but I don’t have any way to record them yet so I figured I’l start writing the lyrics.

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Heal Yourself

We must love ourselves before we can love another. It’s not fair to either person in a relationship if on doesn’t love themselves because eventually it will cause problems. You must first fulfill your own needs and find out who you are in order to build a foundation on solid ground with the person you choose to love.

Heal yourself and in the end you’ll find a happiness which allows you to love another fully, responsibly and with the utmost devotion. In doing this you can be in a relationship without fear.

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