Eyes open, with conscious introspection, I’m starting to see the evolution of my emotions over this life time. I have dealt with my issues in many different ways, mostly negative and through a lens of either confusion, selfishness, shame, sadness, resentment or anger. When you do this over a period of time it’s like practicing a jump shot in basketball, the more you do it, the better you get. It becomes second nature, an unconscious habit most people won’t ever realize they even have. Even in those times I believed myself to be doing good, there always remained a shroud of discord, like a thin layer of film on top a “pond” that is my emotional processor. Over time I became an unconscious master over corrupted emotions and my jump shot, from the arc I was a sure thing.
We all get emotional wounds throughout our lives but it’s how we deal with these wounds that will set the course of how we approach subsequent relationships and the health of our inner being. I was conscious of some of my emotional, wounds yet I couldn’t bring myself to cope in any healthy ways because of the denial system I had assembled over time. I became a very natural liar, not only with other people but with myself as well, which is almost worst because once you begin to believe your own b.s. , then you’re really in trouble.
So I wore different masks to conceal my emotional wounds, to better feign an air of confidence. When I finally began to grapple with my issues, I would try to “peel off” these different masks I’d put on, which proved to be harder than I thought. Something interesting, I would actually feel my face tighten and itch when I wasn’t being honest with myself and there were times it would get so bad, I used to wish I could take my face off so the feeling would go away. It was so unnatural, so uncomfortable, I felt. I couldn’t bear it: I would be better off dead than to feel this way. The solution proved to be simple enough. Be honest. Now, I’m actually kind of grateful because it helped me better recognize when I wasn’t being and I would use it as one of my tools to get better.
These masks are dangerous and very unhealthy. We wear them because it can be easier when we look at ourselves in the mirror, and so others don’t see who we’ve become. Even when people can see through these masks (as my parents often would) we go on pretending as if they can’t and everything is okay. A delicate and perilous balance between sanity and chaos.
Now I take a much different approach to life. As I’ve said in previous posts, I do my best to look at life through a lens of love, it’s not always easy and I do struggle at times: though not like before because I’m conscious of my problems, which make it easier to always come back to a place of love.