My Story

Master of Sadness

Eyes open, with conscious introspection, I’m starting to see the evolution of my emotions over this life time. I have dealt with my issues in many different ways, mostly negative and through a lens of either confusion, selfishness, shame, sadness, resentment or anger. When you do this over a period of time it’s like practicing a jump shot in basketball, the more you do it, the better you get. It becomes second nature, an unconscious habit most people won’t ever realize they even have. Even in those times I believed myself to be doing good, there always remained a shroud of discord, like a thin layer of film on top a “pond” that is my emotional processor. Over time I became an unconscious master over corrupted emotions and my jump shot, from the arc I was a sure thing.

We all get emotional wounds throughout our lives but it’s how we deal with these wounds that will set the course of how we approach subsequent relationships and the health of our inner being. I was conscious of some of my emotional, wounds yet I couldn’t bring myself to cope in any healthy ways because of the denial system I had assembled over time. I became a very natural liar, not only with other people but with myself as well, which is almost worst because once you begin to believe your own b.s. , then you’re really in trouble.

So I wore different masks to conceal my emotional wounds, to better feign an air of confidence. When I finally began to grapple with my issues, I would try to “peel off” these different masks I’d put on, which proved to be harder than I thought. Something interesting, I would actually feel my face tighten and itch when I wasn’t being honest with myself and there were times it would get so bad, I used to wish I could take my face off so the feeling would go away. It was so unnatural, so uncomfortable, I felt. I couldn’t bear it: I would be better off dead than to feel this way. The solution proved to be simple enough. Be honest. Now, I’m actually kind of grateful because it helped me better recognize when I wasn’t being and I would use it as one of my tools to get better.

These masks are dangerous and very unhealthy. We wear them because it can be easier when we look at ourselves in the mirror, and so others don’t see who we’ve become. Even when people can see through these masks (as my parents often would) we go on pretending as if they can’t and everything is okay. A delicate and perilous balance between sanity and chaos.

Now I take a much different approach to life. As I’ve said in previous posts, I do my best to look at life through a lens of love, it’s not always easy and I do struggle at times: though not like before because I’m conscious of my problems, which make it easier to always come back to a place of love.

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Womens Issues

Yes all women

One in five women will be raped in their lifetime. It’s said that a rape is reported every 6.2 minutes in the US but that it may actually be 5 times as high. Essentially, this means there may be a rape every minute. That is a staggering and very disheartening statistic. So, if you think about it, it’s more than likely that a woman (or women) in your life has been the victim of rape or some other form of sexual assault.

I can’t imagine how unusual it must seem for someone like me to be writing about these issues. Not to mention how hard it must be for my loved ones to be reading these words. I know for me, in the past, it’s been hard to think about, let alone say the words out loud but I can’t hide from what I’ve done. I committed the act of rape, I am a rapist and sex offender. That’s a very heavy thing to say out loud.

Many in our world (the male one) will declare undying devotion for our mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces, cousins, etc., taking great pride in our commitment to protecting “our women”. (Very reminiscent of the man who brags about taking care of his children as if that wasn’t his job to begin with. Why do we feel the need to brag about things which are our responsibility to begin with? You don’t ever really hear mothers brag about fulfilling their duties but I digress.) Yet these same men will continue to mistreat women throughout their lives because a woman that isn’t related is fair game. But every woman is someone’s family, if you think about it. You’d think more men would consider this but for some reason we find ways to rationalize our mistreatment and objectification of women.

-Realization: Something just occurred to me as I was writing the previous paragraph. It shouldn’t matter if a woman is someone’s daughter. We should be treating them with love and respect, regardless of their circumstance. I just realized how much deeper the words, “Women’s rights are human rights,” actually are. All humans deserve respect and the right to their dignity. I still have so much to learn!

I understand not all men are sex offenders, I’m not doing this to vilify an entire gender. I just think that men need to do more and acknowledge something very important. Rape is a men’s issue. Think about it. When you hear about sexual assault, it’s usually referred to as a woman’s issue, but if 98% of the perpetrators of these crimes are men, then how can it be anything other than a man’s issue? Also, why are men so sensitive – especially on social media where they can hide their identities – when these topics are brought up, as if every man is being accused of assault? We need to get past these knee jerk reactions, in order to have a more earnest and productive conversation about these deeply destructive actions and antiquated belief system that women are somehow less than. In order to come up with more effective ways to educate and prevent future crimes against women.

Sexual assault occurs often and we need to acknowledge the severity of this problem and quite treating each case as if it was some isolated incident. Would we do that with a disease? Could you imagine doing that with cancer? We’d get nothing done. Also, as men, we need to stop being so sensitive and recognize the important role we have in helping to resolve these issues. We need to do a better job of teaching our young men to respect women, viewing them as equals and partners in creating a better tomorrow for everyone.

There is so much left to be done.

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Life Lessons

One Nation, One People

Even from where I sit, it is very divided politically. People have chosen their side and there seems to be no budging on any issue or belief system. If anything, it only seems to be getting more bitter with each passing day. We chose to ignore one essential and undeniable truth. We are one.

Wether you like it or not, we are all a part of this one, great nation and regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum: we are stronger together.

We need to come together and fight that tribal urge to separate ourselves into smaller groups which share the same opinion and never contradict our most deeply embedded convictions.

It’s not even that we should dilute our cultural differences, because those things actually help to make our nation a more diverse and rich community. We need to listen better, respect each others views (as long as they’re not hurting anyone) and show each other compassion.

Only then can we grow and build a brighter future for those that will come later.

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Writing Poems

Paper Roses

A rose will wilt and fade with each passing day, becoming dust and a memory that quietly wilts aways, so I drew you a rose, a very special paper flower, to bloom for you day or night, December snow or April shower.

You’ll never need to water this rose or provide it sun, just a smile and a kiss for me when I’m gone, and if you ever worry that I may not be coming home, keep that faith and think of the love we share when you read this poem.

So long as I breath I will love you deeply,
so long as I have strength I will support you completely,and though I may not be there to kiss you goodnight,I will do my best to find a way to meet in your dreams tonight.

Our love is an eternal summer and will never fade, our beauty may be temporary but our devotion will never age, you are my moon, my stars, the light that gives me power, kisses cannot be written, so I leave you this paper flower.

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Life Lessons

Things My Parents Taught Me

I’ve learned so much these past few years. I’ve been getting these moments of clarity (you know, light-bulb moments) yet when I delve deeper into these things, I see that it’s nothing new. These were lessons my parents tries to teach me years ago but now laid buried deep in my subconscious, beneath a heap of false perceptions, bad habits and a self-absorbed ego with narcissistic proclivities. The ignorance of youth can seem comedic in it’s cyclical nature, if not for how tragic it can be at times, well, at least in my case.

I am in no way original, for these posts I’m going to put before you are things that people have taught me throughout my life, yet in my “wisdom” chose to ignore. But it’s better late than never to remaster these things and maybe in putting these words down; help someone else who needs to hear them.

Sometimes all you can do is plant a seed and hope it will bear fruit.

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Life Lessons

The Little Things

The most  profound changes don’t always  happen in the most obvious ways. Sometimes it’s in the quiet moments, a passing thought, or maybe even a memory we’d lost; only to be triggered in some unexpected way. We shouldn’t worry how it happens. What’s important is that we recognize the significance of this moment and use it as a turning point in our lives.

It’s taken me years to quiet my mind, to be conscious of these moments and to truly appreciate the importance of such things. I don’t know if I will ever obtain that much heralded”peace within” but I do find myself smiling more and that’s a victory for me.

It’s not always in the grandiose my brothers and sisters. Sometimes it’s in the little things that we find the greatest things.

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